“I’m not afraid of Muslims, Tea Partiers, Socialists, Immigrants, Gun Owners or Gays … but I am scared of spiders.”

This really made up laugh out loud. We just love Jon Stewart.

If this doesn’t make you fall on the floor laughing, you ain’t breathing.

From July, 8, 2010

Jon Stewart’s Daily Show: Immigration, Anchor Babies, & the 14th Amendment

This is the funniest video I’ve ever seen on immigration! Bar none! Still ROTFL!

“Three convicted murderers escaped from a prison in Arizona. The governor told the people, ‘Don’t worry, all three murderers are American citizens.’” –Jay Leno

“Arizona’s immigration law went into effect today. If you want to boycott Arizona, instead of going to see the Grand Canyon, come to New York City to see our potholes.” –David Letterman

“Because of Arizona’s new law, a lot of immigrants have fled the state and returned to their homeland, Los Angeles.” –Jay Leno

“With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: ‘What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.’” –Jay Leno

“A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, ‘Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.’” –Craig Ferguson

Jon Stewart, as only he can do it, takes on immigration, anchor babies, and the Fourteenth Amendment of the Constitution on The Daily Show.

From Will Coley, immigration activist:

At Netroots Nation last week, ten of us, including several undocumented DREAM students, wore navy blue shirts and fastened paper ICE badges and patches to our hats and shirts with masking tape. Saying that we were enforcing a new law in “Native American lands,” we stopped anyone who looked “European” and let all others pass without hindrance. Many people were flustered by the confrontation, but most everyone got the joke.

If our action offended anyone and resulted in thirty seconds of frustration, that was the point. As Americans, we should all be offended by actual laws like Arizona’s SB1070 that harass and profile communities 24 hours a day. It wasn’t about preventing Netroots participants from getting their lunch. Profiling and injustice is what we wanted folks to think about. This week, we’re calling on everyone to join national actions to oppose this law. Find out more at Alto Arizona.

Comedian Carlos Mencia spoofs racial profiling that Arizona’s new immigration threatens to promote.

Warning: Adult Language

“They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.”

- David Letterman

*****

“Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there’s nothing more Nazi than saying, ‘Show me your papers?’ There’s never been a WWII movie that didn’t include the line, ‘Show me your papers.’ It’s their catchphrase. Every time someone says ‘Show me your papers,’ Hitler’s family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that’s fascism. I know, I know, it’s a dry fascism, but it’s still fascism.”

— Seth Meyers, on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”

*****

“As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles.”

– Jay Leno

*****

“I called the governor’s office in Arizona today, and the recorded message said press one for English, press two for English, press three for English.”

– Jay Leno

*****

“Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed the nation’s toughest anti-immigration bill into law. It’s unbelievable. It makes it a crime as a state law to be in the country illegally. It lets police question anyone about their status. You know what this means? Rich people in Arizona may have to start raising their own children now.”

— Jay Leno

*****

“It’s an unbelievable law. And it’s already starting to backfire. Today, a group of Native Americans pulled over a bunch of white guys and said, ‘Let’s see your papers.’”

— Jay Leno

*****

“Arizona’s Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed.”

— Bill Maher

*****

“Arizona is the meth lab of democracy.”

— Jon Stewart

*****

“Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van.”

– Jay Leno

“Over a million people marched today in cities across the country to protest immigration laws. And while we were watching them do that, a million more people snuck across the U.S./Mexican border.”

*****

“This is what I don’t get about this. They’ve got oil. Their citizens love the United States. Forget Iraq, we should have invaded Mexico.”

*****

“You know these people coming across the border willing to work hard? I say make them senators. They couldn’t do any worse of a job than these guys are doing.”

*****

“The good news is that Congress is cracking down on illegal immigration. The bads news: a head of lettuce will now cost $300.”

*****

“This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it ‘white people.’”

*****

“This past week there were half a million illegal immigrants on the streets of Los Angeles and that was before the protests. That was Friday. … Half a million people? It looked like career day at Wal-Mart.”

Today, Spar & Bernstein put billing clerk Risé Roche on the hot seat with the famously odd but utterly revealing Bernard Pivot/Inside the Actors Studio questionnaire:

What is your favorite word?

Food.

What is your least favorite word?

F–k. I hear it too many times.

What turns you on?

Men who can cook.

What turns you off?

People who refuse to be accountable for their actions.

What sound or noise do you love?

The beach.

What sound or noise do you hate?

Traffic.

What is your favorite curse word?

It’s actually two words, one of which is “mother.”

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Nursing or Anesthesiology.

What profession would you not like to do?

Messenger.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Child, I forgive you for all the dumb stuff you have done in your lifetime.